It can be a difficult conversation to have when you need to suggest to your loved one that they may need extended help, whether that’s more help than they can provide themselves or more than you are able to provide. It becomes increasingly more difficult when a traumatic accident hasn’t happened, such as a fall resulting in an injury or a diagnosis of a disease. When it’s simply old age that creeps up on our loved ones, often it’s difficult for them, and even for us, to admit they need help.

Our advice is simple; don’t wait for that traumatic accident. Have the conversation before the fall that breaks their leg or before you notice signs of malnutrition or the reappearance of symptoms if they happen to be forgetting medication. Although the conversation can be uncomfortable, it can also be a lot less scary if it’s done ahead of time.

Here are some tips on when to start that conversation, what to say, and how to achieve the best outcome for everyone:

Tip #1: Start the Conversation Early

Don’t wait for a traumatic event. As soon as you start seeing signs that your loved one may be struggling, suggest help, even if that help is just you.

If possible, start the conversation before you’re seeing these signs, sit down with your loved one and ask them what their expectations for the future are, if they’d ever consider moving to a retirement community or even a nursing home. It’s often best to know up front if your loved one is determined to remain independent in their own home rather than dealing with the emotional rush of an argument later on.

Tip #2: Be Calm and Respectful

Let’s be honest, you’d probably be more than a smidge upset if someone called you “old” or said that you couldn’t do things for yourself anymore, so try to understand that they won’t love the concept either. Be calm, be rationale, and take their opinion into consideration.

Ask them what they feel they need help with. They may surprise you with their ability to give up some of the responsibility around the home that could be endangering them, such as lifting heavy objects or mowing the lawn which can be hard on the neck, back, and shoulders. They may admit that the house isn’t as clean as it used to be or that they can’t clean certain places due to mobility limitations.

Tip #3: “You say you don’t need help with anything, Dad?”

Not everyone is going to roll over and admit they need help; sometimes you need to watch behaviour. If they’re struggling, offer a hand. If they aren’t, don’t. Empower them to do all the things they can do.

Tip #4: Start Small

Using phrases like, “I noticed it’s not as easy for you as it used to be to do _____________, if you’d like I could come and do _______ for you next weekend, we can grab coffee or something after.” By phrasing it as if you want to spend more time with them, they’re unlikely to turn you down.

You can also trying asking to complete tougher tasks with your loved one, such as gardening or doing house or handy work together.

When you say phrases like, “Common, you can’t do that anymore. Just stop, you’re going to hurt yourself!” While it might be true, your loved one is likely to feel a little attacked. You’re insulting their strength, their independence, and you’re not being calm. All of these are more likely to start an argument than to keep your loved one safe.

Tip #5: If you’re Not Enough Care, Admit it.

If you’re already helping your loved one, but it’s too much for you, admit that to both yourself and to them. There’s no sense becoming ill yourself from lack of sleep, injuring yourself, or losing your job.

If you’re going to bring in someone to work with your loved one, discuss it with them first. Tell them that you want them to have the best care possible and that you are bringing in someone to help out when you can’t be around or when tasks are too hard on your own physical limitations. Let them know how much it would mean to you if they were willing to at least give it a try.